Unblock the Blog

We're back! And obviously not pleased with the censorship of our blog, though grateful for the solidarity shown in the blogosphere through the petition SD created and the several resulting posts on other blogs.

With promiscuous behaviour rampant and in plain view in Dubai, it's a sad state of affairs when the Government would rather clean up the blogosphere instead of the city's streets.

While many of you may not be happy with the content of our blog, we can all safely agree that it being blocked is a dangerous infringement on free speech, especially given its anonymous nature and the fact that at the end of the day, it is social commentary on Dubai and a reflection of the ever increasing single population in the Emirate.

We have written to the editors of the city's newspapers and invite you to do the same. Our blog may not get unblocked, but together our voices may still be heard.

Gulf News - letter2editor@gulfnews.com
Khaleej Times - kletter@emirates.net.ae
7 Days - letters@7days.ae
Emirates Today - letters@emiratestodayonline.com

We WILL be Back!

Dear Lovers and Haters,

First off, thanks for your plentiful mail and to allay your fears, we haven't gotten hitched, arrested, knocked-up or kidnapped - we are still very much alive and licking.

Thanks to soaring temperatures in Dubai, we're in heat. So we're taking the party across the Atlantic to New York City and Las Vegas this summer.

Stay tuned to find out how much of a bite we'll take out of the Big Apple and how much sinning we'll be doing in Sin City.

Goodbye till mid-July!

Third Time Lucky?

We’ve talked about Saeed twice before, and it seems that rejection must turn him on because he just keeps coming back for more. Layala has had the misfortune of seeing him at the gym recently and while she consciously ignores him, he takes it upon himself to make his presence known by staring at her continuously while sipping his Gatorade instead of working out.

His attempts at the gym are always in vain, so he decided to adopt a more devious approach to getting her attention. After she left the gym one evening, she found a note on her car saying:

“If you are interested in selling your car, call me on 050 *******”

Doubting the authenticity of the claim, Layala phoned Noora and they both agreed that it had to be a cheesy pick-up attempt. And since we’re not the type of girls to back down from research, Layala made the call.

“Hello, you left your number on my car?”
“ Allo. How are you?”
“ I’m just calling to say I am not interested in selling my car”
“Layala, it’s me Saeed. How are you? Why don’t you talk to me?”
“What? You again? Just leave me alone!”
“Habibti I miss you. I not marry – don’t hang up the phone.”
“Goodbye Saeed – just forget it OK?”
“I am sorry, I cannot forget you wallah.”

Not a rude person by nature, Layala had no choice but to hang up on Saeed. After much thought and discussion with Noora, we wonder: is this just a classic case of "if at first you don’t succeed, try, try and try again?" And if it is, should Layala ignore him or take him for the ride of his life, squeezing every penny out of his deep pockets?

Flower Power

When not out shopping, socializing or getting stylish in the city’s salons, many women turn to the hidden, forbidden, but still pleasurable pastime of carpet munching.

For those unfamiliar with the term, this isn’t some mad diet; it just means that lesbianism is peeking out of the closet in Dubai. While we are both on a steady diet of sausage, that does not stop the bean flickers from trying to get us to swap sides.

Layala was innocently waiting for the elevator at Grosvenor House on her way up to 44 when the hot Lebanese girl standing next to her asked her if she knew where the cash machines were. Always helpful Layala gave her directions but the girl stepped into the elevator anyway. Layala was perplexed, but it didn’t take long for the penny to drop when the girl invited her up to her room to go muff diving together.

Noora has also had her fair share of fishy experiences . On a recent shopping expedition at Mall of the Emirates, we felt obliged to stop by Harvey Nichols, where we headed straight for the lingerie section. After picking out a few seductive bits, Layala went to the fitting rooms while Noora waited for her outside. She soon became audience to another type of show when the Emirati girl in the next room decided to showcase her best assets, modeling one bra after another for her and even asking her opinion. After Noora complimented her on a particularly cute number, the girl offered Noora a more in depth view. Needless to say, Noora had no intention of dining on fish fry that night.

While we are not homophobic in the least, we do wonder: in a city where homosexuality is outlawed, does the segregation of the sexes only serve as cover for these illicit activities? Or is rug ravishing the only alternative when faced with the poor quality of men in Dubai?

All That Glitters is Gabbana

Oops. We made a promise that we didn’t keep and it seems that Dubai’s boys must finally be rubbing off on us in more ways than one. Well the truth is we’ve been out and about getting the low down on the new boys in town, which translates to plenty of fodder for this blog…all in the name of research!

Layala met Ahmed in true Dubai style - sandwiched next to him at Buddha Bar in a vain attempt to get some service. Ever the gentleman, he managed to get her something to drink and made sure that she didn’t get trampled by the other beautiful but thirsty people around. Sensing that she was on to a good thing, she allowed him to find her a seat next to him at the ritzy lounge upstairs. About an hour of conversation later and after confirming that his muscular definition wasn’t a figment of her imagination, they parted ways agreeing to meet the next day at Kouba in the chic Al Qasr.

She arrived looking stunning right down to her coordinated Choo’s but was temporarily blinded by bling when she saw Ahmed, who was kitted out head to toe in D&G. From his bold metallic top straight through to his green and gold sneakers, this local poster-boy even accessorized with the D&G Motorola Razr phone! They proceeded to go out on the balcony where the soft light was provided by the shimmer of his glitzy gold and white T-shirt. Unfortunately, this time around the conversation did not sparkle as much because Ahmed launched into a monologue about his favorite topic: himself.

By the end of the evening Layala knew more than she wanted to know about this moneyed native: his expensive Benz and watch collection, his penchant for moving into Mina Salaam when he was bored with his Jumeirah villa and his 10,000EUR suites in hotels dotted around Europe.

While some may argue that threesomes never go out of fashion, we’re pretty sure that they are not our style, leaving Layala with no option but to resist the temptation of coming in between Ahmed and the person he loved most – himself.

After she declined an invite back to his room at the hotel, she left the vicinity wondering why a perfectly well educated and intelligent man felt the need to show case his treasures in the hopes of taking home one more jewel. Has shallowness reached an all new low in our modest city? Or is vanity simply in vogue this season?

* A sanitized version of this article has appeared in Grazia.

Spotted Dick

Despite the sex goddess status we have unwittingly been bestowed with, we must confess that food has always scored higher than sex in our books. In fact, if there’s any one thing we absolutely agree upon, it’s that food is far better than sex.

Here’s a few reasons why our palates are more receptive to chocolate instead of cajones:

With food, pleasure is consistent while sex is always a hit or miss affair.

With food, you don’t have to part of an orgy to enjoy multiple dishes simultaneously.

With food, a bun in the oven means just that. With sex, that unwanted bun will take nine months to bake.

Of course, for the more carnally creative amongst us, combining food and sex is the ultimate experience in fusion cuisine. And because we like to have our cajones and eat them too, there’s nothing like a pair of chocolate covered ones to whet our appetites.

Since we’re always greedy for more – we'd love you to indulge us with your recipes for carnal delights.

*For our readers who missed the title reference, Spotted Dick is an English dessert. We recommend it highly instead of a Limey.

Back with a Bang

Apologies for being AWOL but we’ve been working hard and playing even harder the last few weeks. We’re back to regular posting now, twice a week including our bi-weekly column in the UAE’s weekly glam mag.

Several weeks of slogging hard at work left Layala drained so she and her friends made the fabulous getaway to the Jebel Ali Golf Resort and Spa for a much deserved weekend of relaxing and rewinding. One afternoon while attempting a few rounds of golf with the girls, Layala noticed a group of male golfers peering at their every move a few holes behind them. Not wanting to be distracted by the local wildlife, the ladies continued their rounds when the boys approached them to exchange some words on life, liberty, and the pursuit of pleasure in this desert oasis.

Always one to recognize the need for improvement, Layala allowed the lascivious Talal to teach her more about the grip and handling technique. By the end of the session, it was fairly clear that the golf club wasn’t the only thing that Talal wanted Layala to get to grips with.

A rendezvous was set for later that evening and when sparks flew that night, another tête-a-tête was set for the next day - the last day in paradise before the work week began. After another exchange of sweet and sexy words that decidedly turned both of them on, Layala invited Talal to her room, hoping that golf balls weren’t the only thing he was good at putting into holes.

A heavy session of lip-smacking and hand-wandering entertainment ensued. Zippers and buttons were quickly undone and the preparations were made to end this ultra-relaxing weekend with a bang.

Well, the bang was a bust. The whole thing was over before it even began and in under a minute, Talal’s sexual endurance ended. He flopped onto one side of the bed, smiling from ear to ear. Layala, was not as satisfied. Gone in 60 seconds indeed! Nicholas Cage would have been proud.

After false promises of phone calls, Speedy Gonzales excused himself from the room, leaving Layala to ponder: do men’s selfish desires override the impact of a potentially great sex session? Or did Sir Speedy intentionally turn this hole in one into a hole in none?