Sex and Dubai

Quirky, funny and honest outlook on what it means to be single and female in Dubai.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Gastronomic Goof-Ups

While Noora is always up for an adventure, she is rather unadventurous when it comes to her palate. Over dinner with several girlfriends at a chic Dubai restaurant, she politely asked the waiter to replace her meal because the chef forgot to comply with her "no-tomatoes" request. A few minutes later, Babak, the head chef, appeared by her side and apologized profusely for his negligence.

In true Iranian style he was charming and seemed sweeter than the halva she had ordered for dessert. When the check arrived, Noora and her girlfriends squealed in delight as they realized their entire meal was on the house and Babak had left a note with his number requesting the "beautiful girl to call."

Coaxed and persuaded by her girlfriends, she made the call two days later and he promptly invited her for dinner at his swank apartment on Sheikh Zayed Road. Since most of Dubai's guys transition swiftly from being fed by their mothers to being fed by their wives here was a dish Noora had never seen on a menu before, so she accepted the invite.

Dinner was exquisite and enjoyable and she was pleasantly surprised when Babak suggested they take a look at the view from the building's helipad. On their way up, they passed the pool and he asked if she'd like to go for a swim instead. Unprepared, Noora declined, when in a flash, he stripped down to his white CK boxers and dived into the pool! We are of the general opinion that spontaneity is an aphrodisiac but in this case, Noora nearly lost her dinner at the sight of Babak in his wet, white underwear.

After failing to convince her to join him, he grudgingly put his pants on and proceeded to the helipad. The view from the top rendered Noora speechless while Babak's dripping drawers made him restless. Without warning, he pulled his pants down and yanked off his jockeys. Noora had the misfortune of turning around at exactly that time to find Babak standing in all his glory, showcasing his very own kabob-e makhsoos. At that moment – Sheikh Zayed Road had seen its very first roof-top stripper.

Our mothers have always told us that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and while Noora cannot cook to save her life, we wonder: are Dubai's guys resorting to cooking to find their way into a girl's pants? And isn't flashing your wiener, the ultimate recipe for a dating disaster?

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Survivor Dubai - Outwit, Outlast, Outplay

We are inundated with emails from women who are entangled in the Emirati web of charm and deceit, and this Valentine’s Day we’ve decided to save the would-be broken hearts of Dubai’s lovely ladies. So we've put together The Essential 10 Step Guide to Surviving an Emirati.

1. Do not fall for the hype. Emiratis are generous people and they are also extremely generous with their words. You will be showered with honeyed compliments on your beauty, style, intelligence and wit. These may also include travel offers especially to Thailand and the Far East. Do not fall for any of this no matter how much you like being told you are pretty.

2. Ensure he is single. Fidelity is an alien concept amongst the Emiratis who 'date' and wearing wedding bands is nonexistent. Unless you fancy the idea of borrowing another woman's man, err on the side of caution and adapt the mindset that all Emiratis are married until they can prove otherwise. We learned this the hard way.

3. Maintain your independence. When you first start flirting, you will receive up to 5 phone calls and several text messages throughout the day. This is what we affectionately call the "priming" method. He will unwittingly force his way into your daily routine and try his best to become a part of it through his constant calling. Unless you are attention starved, you will regret letting him get comfortable under your skin.

4. Resist the urge to call him. A week of two after lavishing you with attention – the calls and text messages will magically stop. This is the "run after me" phase that you have been effectively primed for. The perversity lies in the fact that if you do run after him, the thrill will vanish from his chase and your loving lothario will move on to the next object of attention.

5. Wear what you want. While leering at women in public is a favorite past time for many of our homies, it's not as popular as telling your girlfriend what to wear, or better yet, what not to wear. From lightening your make up to lowering your heels – do not alter your appearance to appease him. Changing your attire for a man is traitorous to the female species.

6. Do not settle for drives instead of dinners. Initially when your Emirati Iglesias is wooing you, dinner and movie invites will be forthcoming. But because dating is taboo in this society, it will deteriorate quickly to long drives to Ghantoot and other isolated stretches of barren desert land where he will want to jump you in his car. Please keep Dubai’s beaches and deserts sex free.

7. Do not believe that he is waiting patiently to get physical. Your stud will convincingly tell you that he won’t touch you until you are comfortable. This is a blatant lie. By saying this, he really wants to put the responsibility of the act on your shoulders, because if you do get physical – you will be the one who led him astray you Jezebel.

8. Asking for a massage means asking for sex. When he starts complaining about body aches and pains, it does not mean he wants to relax his muscles. It means he wants to flex them – ALL of them, with you. In your naiveté if you do decide to give him a massage, he will expect it to have a happy ending.

9. Never expect him to marry you if he has already slept with you. Aside from all virginity related issues that brides are expected to comply with, it’s a classic case of: why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

10. There is NO such thing as just being friends. Even though our boys appear to have all the time in the world on their hands – they won’t spend it with you - if they aren’t going to tap you.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Foot and Mouth Disease

Layala and Waleed worked in the same building and had seen each other numerous times in the hallways and elevators. One evening as she was leaving work hurriedly, she scrambled in her Choo's to catch the elevator just as it was closing. In one of her unusually unrefined moments – she jammed her foot in the door, grazed her toes and inadvertently caused Jimmy to turn over in his grave.

Wincing in pain as she regained her composure - the doors opened to a wide-eyed Waleed, who insisted on getting her a band-aid from the first aid kit in his car. When he returned, he offered to put it on, and bartered his services for drinks at Bahri Bar.

Chivalrous and suave!? Layala's faith in men had temporarily been restored and she wondered why she'd never really noticed him before. That evening, drinks quickly turned into dinner as they delighted in each other's company. Waleed was charming, smooth and attentive - he even checked on Layala's toes several times.

They chatted with ease and comfort as though they'd known each other intimately for years. Through the conversation, they established they were both single and looking, and that's when Waleed really began to look – under the table.

"Your feet are hurting. Put them on my lap – I will rub them for you."
"Haha – don't be silly, we're at a restaurant, they'll kick us out of here."
"Your feet are beautiful with such high arches. You take care of yourself, I can tell."
"You can tell that by my feet?"
"Layala–it hurts me that your beautiful feet are hurt. May I kiss them better? "
"Waleed! Next thing you'll be telling me you want to fuck my feet ."
"I do"

When confronted with the possibility of a foot job, Layala bolted as fast as her fuckable feet could carry her. While we know that tighter is always better, we wonder: is using your shoehorn between our feet normal? And in a city that's constantly running around the clock, what other deviant desires exist in Dubai?

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

Noora had a birthday this past week – and while the entire nation was out celebrating our team's achievements, the expected birthday fanfare and partying never happened for her because of a serious case of birthday blues. Not a case of freaking out "I am getting older" blues – just a pause, a moment of self reflection and evaluation of her current life standing.

Here's a brief synopsis: Noora's been blessed with a loving and dysfunctional family, a happy home and a good education. She's professionally more successful than an average person her age, healthy and balanced, with a wide network of friends, a close circle of best friends and a fulfilling lesbian relationship with her car. Oh and she has a fun blog! Thankfully, the crisis-meter is definitely not sounding any sirens.

So why the blue bells then? Well it's simple really – when everything in life is going great you just wish you had your special someone to share it with, to lean on, to laugh and cry with. When you've already experienced the joy of falling in love and the pain of falling out of it – you get by with time and the optimistic thoughts of being able to love and be loved again.

It's not about security or self-validation – it's the genuine wish to share your happiness and your life and be a part of someone else's life in the same way. And while we think love is generally overrated, we're all for the often overlooked aspects of trust, respect, compromise and sacrifice that each partner makes just to make it work.

As cynical as we are, the blatant truth is that we all want someone to share our lives with. Even though we are not on a husband hunt, it does make us wonder: in a desert like Dubai, what chance do older birds have when younger chicks are wading in the same pool? And at what point does wanting to 'settle down' equate to 'lowering your standards?'

Friday, February 02, 2007

Featuring: Coitus Interruptus

Layala had known Fahad for eight years and they flirted with each other as only distant friends would flirt, testing the waters and pushing the limits each time.

One evening during a movie marathon at Fahad’s pad things got a bit heated and before they knew it, they began pawing each other with a passion that only eight years of restraint could create. As the movie was rolling on the screen- a much juicier scene with a bodacious Bahraini was being played out on the couch.

Tongues explored, hands roamed and clothes shed – they were tearing up the red carpet to a definite blockbuster night, but just as the show was about to start – the curtains came crashing down.

“Don’t put it in!” gasped Fahad.
Huh? thought Layala. Eight years wasn’t long enough, he still wants to wait?
“Really – don’t stop what you’re doing, but don’t put it in!” he moaned.
Is he gay? Maybe that’s why he never had a steady girlfriend.
“What’s wrong? You don’t want to do this?” she asked instead.
“I want to…ooohhh please don’t stop - but don’t put it in.”
Did he think Layala was going to chop it off and stuff herself with it?
I’m a virgin. I’m saving myself. Don’t stop – but don’t put it in!”

As if dealing with this role reversal wasn’t bad enough, Layala had a VIRGIN in her hands! A virgin! At 32? This was definitely a première – just not the kind Layala wanted to see that night. While Fahad picked up the Oscar for Most Screwed Up Virgin, he quickly got demoted from friend to potential fuck buddy to nobody.

We believe that a healthy body equals a healthy mind but we also respect people’s choice not to engage in premarital sex. Although it does beg the question:is having sex before you’re thirty essential to preserving your sanity? And in a city that’s maturing as fast as Dubai, just how long a wait is too long?