Sex and Dubai

Unblock the Blog

2007-07-16T16:40:00.000+04:00

We're back! And obviously not pleased with the censorship of our blog, though grateful for the solidarity shown in the blogosphere through the petition SD created and the several resulting posts on other blogs.

With promiscuous behaviour rampant and in plain view in Dubai, it's a sad state of affairs when the Government would rather clean up the blogosphere instead of the city's streets.

While many of you may not be happy with the content of our blog, we can all safely agree that it being blocked is a dangerous infringement on free speech, especially given its anonymous nature and the fact that at the end of the day, it is social commentary on Dubai and a reflection of the ever increasing single population in the Emirate.

We have written to the editors of the city's newspapers and invite you to do the same. Our blog may not get unblocked, but together our voices may still be heard.

Gulf News - letter2editor@gulfnews.com
Khaleej Times - kletter@emirates.net.ae
7 Days - letters@7days.ae
Emirates Today - letters@emiratestodayonline.com

We WILL be Back!

2007-06-22T20:10:00.000+04:00

Dear Lovers and Haters,

First off, thanks for your plentiful mail and to allay your fears, we haven't gotten hitched, arrested, knocked-up or kidnapped - we are still very much alive and licking.

Thanks to soaring temperatures in Dubai, we're in heat. So we're taking the party across the Atlantic to New York City and Las Vegas this summer.

Stay tuned to find out how much of a bite we'll take out of the Big Apple and how much sinning we'll be doing in Sin City.

Goodbye till mid-July!

Third Time Lucky?

2007-05-20T22:11:00.000+04:00

We’ve talked about Saeed twice before, and it seems that rejection must turn him on because he just keeps coming back for more. Layala has had the misfortune of seeing him at the gym recently and while she consciously ignores him, he takes it upon himself to make his presence known by staring at her continuously while sipping his Gatorade instead of working out.

His attempts at the gym are always in vain, so he decided to adopt a more devious approach to getting her attention. After she left the gym one evening, she found a note on her car saying:

“If you are interested in selling your car, call me on 050 *******”

Doubting the authenticity of the claim, Layala phoned Noora and they both agreed that it had to be a cheesy pick-up attempt. And since we’re not the type of girls to back down from research, Layala made the call.

“Hello, you left your number on my car?”
“ Allo. How are you?”
“ I’m just calling to say I am not interested in selling my car”
“Layala, it’s me Saeed. How are you? Why don’t you talk to me?”
“What? You again? Just leave me alone!”
“Habibti I miss you. I not marry – don’t hang up the phone.”
“Goodbye Saeed – just forget it OK?”
“I am sorry, I cannot forget you wallah.”

Not a rude person by nature, Layala had no choice but to hang up on Saeed. After much thought and discussion with Noora, we wonder: is this just a classic case of "if at first you don’t succeed, try, try and try again?" And if it is, should Layala ignore him or take him for the ride of his life, squeezing every penny out of his deep pockets?

Flower Power

2007-05-14T00:36:00.000+04:00

When not out shopping, socializing or getting stylish in the city’s salons, many women turn to the hidden, forbidden, but still pleasurable pastime of carpet munching.

For those unfamiliar with the term, this isn’t some mad diet; it just means that lesbianism is peeking out of the closet in Dubai. While we are both on a steady diet of sausage, that does not stop the bean flickers from trying to get us to swap sides.

Layala was innocently waiting for the elevator at Grosvenor House on her way up to 44 when the hot Lebanese girl standing next to her asked her if she knew where the cash machines were. Always helpful Layala gave her directions but the girl stepped into the elevator anyway. Layala was perplexed, but it didn’t take long for the penny to drop when the girl invited her up to her room to go muff diving together.

Noora has also had her fair share of fishy experiences . On a recent shopping expedition at Mall of the Emirates, we felt obliged to stop by Harvey Nichols, where we headed straight for the lingerie section. After picking out a few seductive bits, Layala went to the fitting rooms while Noora waited for her outside. She soon became audience to another type of show when the Emirati girl in the next room decided to showcase her best assets, modeling one bra after another for her and even asking her opinion. After Noora complimented her on a particularly cute number, the girl offered Noora a more in depth view. Needless to say, Noora had no intention of dining on fish fry that night.

While we are not homophobic in the least, we do wonder: in a city where homosexuality is outlawed, does the segregation of the sexes only serve as cover for these illicit activities? Or is rug ravishing the only alternative when faced with the poor quality of men in Dubai?

All That Glitters is Gabbana

2007-05-07T12:50:00.000+04:00

Oops. We made a promise that we didn’t keep and it seems that Dubai’s boys must finally be rubbing off on us in more ways than one. Well the truth is we’ve been out and about getting the low down on the new boys in town, which translates to plenty of fodder for this blog…all in the name of research!

Layala met Ahmed in true Dubai style - sandwiched next to him at Buddha Bar in a vain attempt to get some service. Ever the gentleman, he managed to get her something to drink and made sure that she didn’t get trampled by the other beautiful but thirsty people around. Sensing that she was on to a good thing, she allowed him to find her a seat next to him at the ritzy lounge upstairs. About an hour of conversation later and after confirming that his muscular definition wasn’t a figment of her imagination, they parted ways agreeing to meet the next day at Kouba in the chic Al Qasr.

She arrived looking stunning right down to her coordinated Choo’s but was temporarily blinded by bling when she saw Ahmed, who was kitted out head to toe in D&G. From his bold metallic top straight through to his green and gold sneakers, this local poster-boy even accessorized with the D&G Motorola Razr phone! They proceeded to go out on the balcony where the soft light was provided by the shimmer of his glitzy gold and white T-shirt. Unfortunately, this time around the conversation did not sparkle as much because Ahmed launched into a monologue about his favorite topic: himself.

By the end of the evening Layala knew more than she wanted to know about this moneyed native: his expensive Benz and watch collection, his penchant for moving into Mina Salaam when he was bored with his Jumeirah villa and his 10,000EUR suites in hotels dotted around Europe.

While some may argue that threesomes never go out of fashion, we’re pretty sure that they are not our style, leaving Layala with no option but to resist the temptation of coming in between Ahmed and the person he loved most – himself.

After she declined an invite back to his room at the hotel, she left the vicinity wondering why a perfectly well educated and intelligent man felt the need to show case his treasures in the hopes of taking home one more jewel. Has shallowness reached an all new low in our modest city? Or is vanity simply in vogue this season?

* A sanitized version of this article has appeared in Grazia.

Spotted Dick

2007-04-07T20:01:00.000+04:00

Despite the sex goddess status we have unwittingly been bestowed with, we must confess that food has always scored higher than sex in our books. In fact, if there’s any one thing we absolutely agree upon, it’s that food is far better than sex.

Here’s a few reasons why our palates are more receptive to chocolate instead of cajones:

With food, pleasure is consistent while sex is always a hit or miss affair.

With food, you don’t have to part of an orgy to enjoy multiple dishes simultaneously.

With food, a bun in the oven means just that. With sex, that unwanted bun will take nine months to bake.

Of course, for the more carnally creative amongst us, combining food and sex is the ultimate experience in fusion cuisine. And because we like to have our cajones and eat them too, there’s nothing like a pair of chocolate covered ones to whet our appetites.

Since we’re always greedy for more – we'd love you to indulge us with your recipes for carnal delights.

*For our readers who missed the title reference, Spotted Dick is an English dessert. We recommend it highly instead of a Limey.

Back with a Bang

2007-04-02T20:49:00.000+04:00

Apologies for being AWOL but we’ve been working hard and playing even harder the last few weeks. We’re back to regular posting now, twice a week including our bi-weekly column in the UAE’s weekly glam mag.

Several weeks of slogging hard at work left Layala drained so she and her friends made the fabulous getaway to the Jebel Ali Golf Resort and Spa for a much deserved weekend of relaxing and rewinding. One afternoon while attempting a few rounds of golf with the girls, Layala noticed a group of male golfers peering at their every move a few holes behind them. Not wanting to be distracted by the local wildlife, the ladies continued their rounds when the boys approached them to exchange some words on life, liberty, and the pursuit of pleasure in this desert oasis.

Always one to recognize the need for improvement, Layala allowed the lascivious Talal to teach her more about the grip and handling technique. By the end of the session, it was fairly clear that the golf club wasn’t the only thing that Talal wanted Layala to get to grips with.

A rendezvous was set for later that evening and when sparks flew that night, another tête-a-tête was set for the next day - the last day in paradise before the work week began. After another exchange of sweet and sexy words that decidedly turned both of them on, Layala invited Talal to her room, hoping that golf balls weren’t the only thing he was good at putting into holes.

A heavy session of lip-smacking and hand-wandering entertainment ensued. Zippers and buttons were quickly undone and the preparations were made to end this ultra-relaxing weekend with a bang.

Well, the bang was a bust. The whole thing was over before it even began and in under a minute, Talal’s sexual endurance ended. He flopped onto one side of the bed, smiling from ear to ear. Layala, was not as satisfied. Gone in 60 seconds indeed! Nicholas Cage would have been proud.

After false promises of phone calls, Speedy Gonzales excused himself from the room, leaving Layala to ponder: do men’s selfish desires override the impact of a potentially great sex session? Or did Sir Speedy intentionally turn this hole in one into a hole in none?

Grooving in a New Forum

2007-03-17T15:29:00.000+04:00

Scouting the bars and clubs, checking out the cafés and restaurants and surveying the streets has done nothing to change our single status in Dubai.

So after venting for months on our blog, we’re taking our grievances to a new forum. Read our scandalous stories bi-weekly in every fashionista’s weekly glam mag. Available at faahiiine stores throughout the UAE.

For those who aren’t already faithful followers, grab a copy and you’ll get a little bit of us for just six bucks!

Weathering the Storm

2007-03-10T23:12:00.000+04:00

The forecast continues to be bright and sunny as summer approaches, and our social lives are reflective of this rise in temperature. Usually a head turner herself, Noora had her head turned completely by the gorgeous Giovanni, who she met at 360 degrees.

Giovanni was a stunner. Being Italian, American and Syrian tickled all of Noora’s fancy and she was happy to indulge in his exotic tastes. Like an expertly mixed cocktail, he had just the right mix to make Noora’s mouth and more water.

From the way they twisted tongues that night, the bubbly wasn’t the only thing going to Noora’s head and Giovanni’s kisses made her toes curl. He was undoubtedly the best kisser Noora had ever come across and they were both on a high that neither wanted to come down from - except to get down and dirty.

Later that evening at his villa by the beach, the winds paled in comparison to the storm their kisses were generating. Noora braced herself for a maelstrom but Giovanni thought he was the storm and proceeded to pound Noora into a pulp. The passionate mind blowing kisses were replaced by an incessant pummeling that missed all targets and only succeeded in making Noora feel like a blow up doll.

Beginning to feel like battered driftwood, Noora was not happy with this roughing up and she called it quits on her marauding pirate. Feeling terribly black and blue after this experience, we wonder in a city as hot as Dubai, is kissing a useless barometer to measuring sex? And just how can you gauge whether a guy is good in bed?

Once Bitten Twice Shy

2007-03-04T01:39:00.000+04:00

We apologize for our tardiness but we have been busy digging up the dirt on Dubai’s duds and this weekend has been extra eventful. We’ve already mentioned Saeed before and it now seems that cheating dogs just won’t lie.

Layala had erased all traces of him from her memory and last Thursday at midnight when she saw an anonymous number calling, she answered without thinking twice.

Hello, who is this?
Allo Layala, are you OK?
Who is this?
Just tell me if you are OK.
I am fine but who is this?
It’s me Saeed.
What are you doing calling me at this hour? Is your wife on vacation? I told you never to call me again and I really don't want to speak to you. Bye.

Obviously Saeed didn’t get Layala’s message, so he decided to bombard her with text messages instead.

00:26 - I just wanted to tell u 1 thing & u must know it. U should know that I'm not married and i lied to u coz. I was leaving the country and I didnt want anything to happen between us & then u tell me u took what u wanted & left me alone. I'm sorry again! Take care and hav fun. I just came from France.

00:30 - I didnt want to use u wallah coz i realy respected u. anyway im sorry for calling at this time. Pls. Forgive me! I don't want anything else.

00:38 - I swear to God I did tht 4 u. Imagin something happened between us & suddenly i leave u? I thought that was the better way coz i didnt wanna to hurt u. I think u agree with me that a LIE is better that sleeping with me & i go away.

00:41 - I dont want anything. I just wanted to talk to tell u that. Can I talk to u for 5 mins coz I want to explain everything to u

00:48 - I lied coz i didnt wanna to hurt u. but that doesnt mean that i'm a LIER! I did a mistake & I addmit that

00:54 - Pls just give me 5 mins and then u hung up the phone.

01:04 - Can I talk to u? pls let me explain everything

01:22 - Anyway thanx 4 ignoring my sms & I cant force u to listen to me! I just wanted to tell u what happened exactly coz it cant be explained with sms. Layala im not a lier. I didnt want to break ur heart. if u feel 1 day that u want me to explain it to u pls. Let me know & think in 1 direction only.

While hell was the only direction Layala wanted to point Saeed in, it still baffles us: in a city where the motto is "out with the old and in with the new", why would Saeed come grovelling back? And at what point should women stop giving men the benefit of the doubt?

Gastronomic Goof-Ups

2007-02-22T00:07:00.000+04:00

While Noora is always up for an adventure, she is rather unadventurous when it comes to her palate. Over dinner with several girlfriends at a chic Dubai restaurant, she politely asked the waiter to replace her meal because the chef forgot to comply with her "no-tomatoes" request. A few minutes later, Babak, the head chef, appeared by her side and apologized profusely for his negligence.

In true Iranian style he was charming and seemed sweeter than the halva she had ordered for dessert. When the check arrived, Noora and her girlfriends squealed in delight as they realized their entire meal was on the house and Babak had left a note with his number requesting the "beautiful girl to call."

Coaxed and persuaded by her girlfriends, she made the call two days later and he promptly invited her for dinner at his swank apartment on Sheikh Zayed Road. Since most of Dubai's guys transition swiftly from being fed by their mothers to being fed by their wives – here was a dish Noora had never seen on a menu before, so she accepted the invite.

Dinner was exquisite and enjoyable and she was pleasantly surprised when Babak suggested they take a look at the view from the building's helipad. On their way up, they passed the pool and he asked if she'd like to go for a swim instead. Unprepared, Noora declined, when in a flash, he stripped down to his white CK boxers and dived into the pool! We are of the general opinion that spontaneity is an aphrodisiac but in this case, Noora nearly lost her dinner at the sight of Babak in his wet, white underwear.

After failing to convince her to join him, he grudgingly put his pants on and proceeded to the helipad. The view from the top rendered Noora speechless while Babak's dripping drawers made him restless. Without warning, he pulled his pants down and yanked off his jockeys. Noora had the misfortune of turning around at exactly that time to find Babak standing in all his glory, showcasing his very own kabob-e makhsoos. At that moment – Sheikh Zayed Road had seen its very first roof-top stripper.

Our mothers have always told us that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and while Noora cannot cook to save her life, we wonder: are Dubai's guys resorting to cooking to find their way into a girl's pants? And isn't flashing your wiener, the ultimate recipe for a dating disaster?

Survivor Dubai - Outwit, Outlast, Outplay

2007-02-15T00:01:00.000+04:00

We are inundated with emails from women who are entangled in the Emirati web of charm and deceit, and this Valentine’s Day we’ve decided to save the would-be broken hearts of Dubai’s lovely ladies. So we've put together The Essential 10 Step Guide to Surviving an Emirati.

1. Do not fall for the hype. Emiratis are generous people and they are also extremely generous with their words. You will be showered with honeyed compliments on your beauty, style, intelligence and wit. These may also include travel offers especially to Thailand and the Far East. Do not fall for any of this no matter how much you like being told you are pretty.

2. Ensure he is single. Fidelity is an alien concept amongst the Emiratis who 'date' and wearing wedding bands is nonexistent. Unless you fancy the idea of borrowing another woman's man, err on the side of caution and adapt the mindset that all Emiratis are married until they can prove otherwise. We learned this the hard way.

3. Maintain your independence. When you first start flirting, you will receive up to 5 phone calls and several text messages throughout the day. This is what we affectionately call the "priming" method. He will unwittingly force his way into your daily routine and try his best to become a part of it through his constant calling. Unless you are attention starved, you will regret letting him get comfortable under your skin.

4. Resist the urge to call him. A week of two after lavishing you with attention – the calls and text messages will magically stop. This is the "run after me" phase that you have been effectively primed for. The perversity lies in the fact that if you do run after him, the thrill will vanish from his chase and your loving lothario will move on to the next object of attention.

5. Wear what you want. While leering at women in public is a favorite past time for many of our homies, it's not as popular as telling your girlfriend what to wear, or better yet, what not to wear. From lightening your make up to lowering your heels – do not alter your appearance to appease him. Changing your attire for a man is traitorous to the female species.

6. Do not settle for drives instead of dinners. Initially when your Emirati Iglesias is wooing you, dinner and movie invites will be forthcoming. But because dating is taboo in this society, it will deteriorate quickly to long drives to Ghantoot and other isolated stretches of barren desert land where he will want to jump you in his car. Please keep Dubai’s beaches and deserts sex free.

7. Do not believe that he is waiting patiently to get physical. Your stud will convincingly tell you that he won’t touch you until you are comfortable. This is a blatant lie. By saying this, he really wants to put the responsibility of the act on your shoulders, because if you do get physical – you will be the one who led him astray you Jezebel.

8. Asking for a massage means asking for sex. When he starts complaining about body aches and pains, it does not mean he wants to relax his muscles. It means he wants to flex them – ALL of them, with you. In your naiveté if you do decide to give him a massage, he will expect it to have a happy ending.

9. Never expect him to marry you if he has already slept with you. Aside from all virginity related issues that brides are expected to comply with, it’s a classic case of: why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

10. There is NO such thing as just being friends. Even though our boys appear to have all the time in the world on their hands – they won’t spend it with you - if they aren’t going to tap you.

Foot and Mouth Disease

2007-02-11T19:04:00.000+04:00

Layala and Waleed worked in the same building and had seen each other numerous times in the hallways and elevators. One evening as she was leaving work hurriedly, she scrambled in her Choo's to catch the elevator just as it was closing. In one of her unusually unrefined moments – she jammed her foot in the door, grazed her toes and inadvertently caused Jimmy to turn over in his grave.

Wincing in pain as she regained her composure - the doors opened to a wide-eyed Waleed, who insisted on getting her a band-aid from the first aid kit in his car. When he returned, he offered to put it on, and bartered his services for drinks at Bahri Bar.

Chivalrous and suave!? Layala's faith in men had temporarily been restored and she wondered why she'd never really noticed him before. That evening, drinks quickly turned into dinner as they delighted in each other's company. Waleed was charming, smooth and attentive - he even checked on Layala's toes several times.

They chatted with ease and comfort as though they'd known each other intimately for years. Through the conversation, they established they were both single and looking, and that's when Waleed really began to look – under the table.

"Your feet are hurting. Put them on my lap – I will rub them for you."
"Haha – don't be silly, we're at a restaurant, they'll kick us out of here."
"Your feet are beautiful with such high arches. You take care of yourself, I can tell."
"You can tell that by my feet?"
"Layala–it hurts me that your beautiful feet are hurt. May I kiss them better? "
"Waleed! Next thing you'll be telling me you want to fuck my feet ."
"I do"

When confronted with the possibility of a foot job, Layala bolted as fast as her fuckable feet could carry her. While we know that tighter is always better, we wonder: is using your shoehorn between our feet normal? And in a city that's constantly running around the clock, what other deviant desires exist in Dubai?

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

2007-02-06T23:20:00.000+04:00

Noora had a birthday this past week – and while the entire nation was out celebrating our team's achievements, the expected birthday fanfare and partying never happened for her because of a serious case of birthday blues. Not a case of freaking out "I am getting older" blues – just a pause, a moment of self reflection and evaluation of her current life standing.

Here's a brief synopsis: Noora's been blessed with a loving and dysfunctional family, a happy home and a good education. She's professionally more successful than an average person her age, healthy and balanced, with a wide network of friends, a close circle of best friends and a fulfilling lesbian relationship with her car. Oh and she has a fun blog! Thankfully, the crisis-meter is definitely not sounding any sirens.

So why the blue bells then? Well it's simple really – when everything in life is going great you just wish you had your special someone to share it with, to lean on, to laugh and cry with. When you've already experienced the joy of falling in love and the pain of falling out of it – you get by with time and the optimistic thoughts of being able to love and be loved again.

It's not about security or self-validation – it's the genuine wish to share your happiness and your life and be a part of someone else's life in the same way. And while we think love is generally overrated, we're all for the often overlooked aspects of trust, respect, compromise and sacrifice that each partner makes just to make it work.

As cynical as we are, the blatant truth is that we all want someone to share our lives with. Even though we are not on a husband hunt, it does make us wonder: in a desert like Dubai, what chance do older birds have when younger chicks are wading in the same pool? And at what point does wanting to 'settle down' equate to 'lowering your standards?'

Featuring: Coitus Interruptus

2007-02-02T22:09:00.000+04:00

Layala had known Fahad for eight years and they flirted with each other as only distant friends would flirt, testing the waters and pushing the limits each time.

One evening during a movie marathon at Fahad’s pad things got a bit heated and before they knew it, they began pawing each other with a passion that only eight years of restraint could create. As the movie was rolling on the screen- a much juicier scene with a bodacious Bahraini was being played out on the couch.

Tongues explored, hands roamed and clothes shed – they were tearing up the red carpet to a definite blockbuster night, but just as the show was about to start – the curtains came crashing down.

“Don’t put it in!” gasped Fahad.
Huh? thought Layala. Eight years wasn’t long enough, he still wants to wait?
“Really – don’t stop what you’re doing, but don’t put it in!” he moaned.
Is he gay? Maybe that’s why he never had a steady girlfriend.
“What’s wrong? You don’t want to do this?” she asked instead.
“I want to…ooohhh please don’t stop - but don’t put it in.”
Did he think Layala was going to chop it off and stuff herself with it?
“I’m a virgin. I’m saving myself. Don’t stop – but don’t put it in!”

As if dealing with this role reversal wasn’t bad enough, Layala had a VIRGIN in her hands! A virgin! At 32? This was definitely a première – just not the kind Layala wanted to see that night. While Fahad picked up the Oscar for Most Screwed Up Virgin, he quickly got demoted from friend to potential fuck buddy to nobody.

We believe that a healthy body equals a healthy mind but we also respect people’s choice not to engage in premarital sex. Although it does beg the question:is having sex before you’re thirty essential to preserving your sanity? And in a city that’s maturing as fast as Dubai, just how long a wait is too long?

Maniacal Males

2007-01-29T08:19:00.000+04:00

Dear Readers,

We absolutely adore both the fan mail and hate mail we receive from you. Out of the goodness of our hearts - we’ve dedicated this entire post to a special fan.

While this is a lengthy read we promise it’s worth it – and we need your vote at the end for a very special cause.

From: Tawfeeq S To: sexanddubai@gmail.com
Date : Dec 27, 2006 12:36 PM
Subject: SWM LF Blog writers

Dear Layala and Noora,

I have been an avid reader of your blog for some time now and I must say that I enjoy every line of it. I find the blog provocative, witty, funny and intelligent (Ok, that was the ego stroking introduction to make sure you read on)

I had been thinking about how to write something that would stand out enough to make you smile and consider answering. It's a tough task! But I decided to give it a try. (That's the part where I set myself as different than the others). You see there are many layers of you that come out through your blog. While most people only see the written word there are also plenty of messages that you pass on between the lines. As if, you are sitting behind your computer screen, late at night, mocking us readers, daring us to be smart enough to figure you out, tempting us to look beyond the obvious. (That's the part where i show you that I get it!).

I will not take (or you may decide "waste") more of your time. I only hope that I have made this mail different enough for you to decide to gratify it with an answer. In the mean time, I wish the both of you much luck in your ongoing quest for the right guy who would give you a reason to either end this blog or rename it "Hitched in Dubai".

Sincerely,

Tawfeeq
PS, I am not White!

From: Layala and Noora to Tawfeeq S
Date: Jan 3, 2007 11:04 AM

Dear Tawfeek,

Thank you for the witty and well written email (this is where I stroke your ego so that you continue reading - but please stop that grinning). I'm glad that you read our blog and claim to understand what it's all about (although you'll have to enlighten me especially regarding the between the lines stuff). Hopefully, you're one of our intelligent fans i.e. not one of those asking for pictures and/or blow jobs AND you can write a whole email without any spelling/ grammatical errors. Impressive.

So tell me more about yourself then...anything that you're willing to spill, where you learned to spell and how you're "not white" even though your title line says you are?

Oh, by the way, if your next email is one soliciting sex (anal or otherwise), I will happily ignore it but if it is a witty reply then you might just be in luck and actually receive another email from me ;-)

Layala - (it's just me, Noora is replying to all the losers soliciting blowjobs and pictures)

From: Tawfeeq S to Layala and Noora
Date: Jan 3, 2007 1:03 PM

Dear Layala,

My plan was to solicit sex in the third email and anal in the fourth. That schedule is, of course, up for discussion and does actually require, at least, one more email from you.

Writing this email is a lot harder than the first. On one hand, I must keep it interesting, I also should give you just enough information to give you a sense of me, but leave enough out, that you need to get back to me with a question or two (and hence, another email).

My name, as the mail says, is Tawfeeq. I am Egyptian but have lived most of my life in Italy where my parents worked. I never actually learned to spell but modern technology in the form of spell checkers can make the most illiterate of us seem like Shake Spear. I currently work for an American company in Dubai and have been for the last 1 year. When I have spare time (which is as rare as an email to Noora and Layala not asking for pictures and/or blowjobs), I like to scuba dive, read and talk politics (Those were very carefully chosen to make sure at least one appeals to you. In reality all I like to do is sit on the couch and watch TV).

Enough about me. My boss always tells me that the best way to impress anyone, especially ladies, is to ask about them. So, not because I am interested but only because I think it will work, please tell me more about yourself. Well, I guess that's it. Now all I can do it wait to see if I have been witty enough to deserve another email...

Tawfeeq.

PS I deliberately avoided answer the "I am not white" so as to give you a question for your next mail

From: Tawfeeq S to Layala and Noora
Date: Jan 14, 2007 12:49 PM

Dear Layala,

I am sorry if the email upset you. I was just trying to be funny.

Tawfeeq.

From: Layala and Noora to Tawfeeq S
Date Jan 14, 2007 4:17 PM

Hi Tawfeeq,

I have been really busy with work and personal commitments which is why you haven't received a reply. If you think your email offended me it makes me think that you are not reading the blog, I mean if you want offence our readers are always willing to dish it out!

So you are planning to solicit sex soon, hmm, your reply to this email had better be brilliant and then I might just consider putting you on my waiting list...

Let me tell you about myself........... ha ha! I had you going there for a bit. Suffice to say that I am a fun loving, adventurous individual. In my spare time I like to drive the shallow men of Dubai towards madness and I must say that I am quite good at it.

From what you tell me you are a couch potato masquerading as an intelligent, professional man(?) and I am sure that your next email will be as funny as the previous ones have been.

So I hope to hear from you soon and if you are going to solicit sex the least you can do is send me a picture (that would be a picture of you with your clothes on, anything else will mean instant disqualification from the "I want to have sex with Layala" competition.

Layala.

From: Tawfeeq S to Layala and Noora
Date: Jan 14, 2007 7:59 PM

Dear Layala,

If you will not tell me about yourself, why would I send you a picture? I don't send my pictures to people I don't know. As far as joining the "I want to have sex with Layala competition", I am sorry, I am not into competing for my sex.

If you want to tell me about yourself, then I shall, maybe, consider the possibility of sending you another email and telling you a bit more about me

sincerely

From: Layala and Noora to Tawfeeq S
Date: Jan 15, 2007 10:19 AM

Tawfeek - if you were aiming for a brilliant email - sorry but you've fallen short of the mark. A big change in tone of conversation, combined with all the control issues and reverse psychology will not get me or any other intelligent woman to reveal anything about herself.

The good news is, you dont have to consider the possibility of sending me another email with details about yourself, I'm saving you the hassle of attempting to be witty by telling you upfront that I am not interested.

Enjoy the blog - if this ego bruising allows you to anymore - Layala.
(P.S. please indulge me in a response calling me a slut and a whore and telling me that this kind of attitude is exactly why I am still single.)

THE END (we hope)

A quick vote from you readers:

a. Tawfeeq suffers from multiple personality disorder (schizophrenia)
b. Tawfeeq got someone else to write the first two emails
c. Tawfeeq lost his sense of humor somewhere between Egypt and Italy and working for an American company in Dubai.

We vote A. To help support our special fans, please donate generously towards schizophrenia.

Exploring the Hershey Highway

2007-01-23T19:23:00.000+04:00

Although Dubai is relatively crime free, backdoor burglary is an uncomfortable, yet common occurrence in our vibrant city. Despite it being a religious taboo, anal sex is almost a cultural norm - with gender being the only variable.

We've always known that there are three types of men: the boob men, the leg men and the ass men. Dubai is dominated by ass men and if you've found yourself with a man who is fascinated with your rear airbags - there's a strong chance you've landed yourself an analizer. While we can deal with men who are fixated on various other body parts – we're not open to obsessions with our winking walnuts.

As Layala was getting her groove on with a delicious Iranian she noticed that his hands seemed to remain glued to her bottom, and after a few hours of making out - she was beginning to wonder if this Prince of Persia would ever claim his prize. Just as the thought crossed her mind – he violently FLIPPED her over and released his mush all over her tush. Needless to say - this Shitty Shah was never welcome to play in the royal gardens again.

In conversation with one of her local footballers - Noora discovered that he had had a girlfriend for seven years. Curious about their physical relationship - she prodded deep enough to find out that he had ONLY been ploughing his girlfriend's backyard - for SEVEN years!?

Guys - whatever your chocolate starfish fantasies are, the least you can do is ask a woman whether she'd like her fudge tunnel explored. Or in Dubai, is any hole truly a goal?

Update: For a more serious discussion on anal adventurers, see our post here.

Freaky Footballers

2007-01-18T15:27:00.000+04:00

It is almost impossible to escape the current football fever hitting the GCC with the 18th Arabian Gulf Cup - but football fever struck Noora a while ago and it resurfaced yesterday when she opened the newspaper to a smiling photo of Saif the Stalker.

We’ve said it before – Noora has a penchant for attracting freaks and apparently footballers too. She’s dated three of them - one from the UAE national team, another from a prominent local club and a third from a not-so prominent local club.

Saif the Stalker, clearly the most successful of the three was also the freakiest. He drooled and slobbered all over Noora at the movies and asked her three hundred times, “Inti ta3bana? Are you okay? Let’s go – the movie is not so good.”

Now if it’s one thing Noora can’t stand – it’s guys who talk during movies, especially when they are valiantly competing with Johnny Depp for her attention – at that point it just did NOT matter that Saif had a body far better than Johnny.

She received 18 calls the same night, 35 calls and 15 sms’s saying “I miss you Noora” the next day. But it didn’t stop there – apparently rejection and failure is normal when you’re part of the UAE national team and persistence is second nature.

The calls are now on average twice a week and they are still being ignored. Maybe if our boys paid more attention to playing football instead of getting their own balls played with, we’ll see some better results.

The Daytona Diaries

2007-01-10T09:26:00.000+04:00

va•ca•tion –noun- freedom or release from duty, business, or routine activity.

There’s just something about being on holiday that allows you to release your inner inhibitions, get carried away and simply enjoy the moment. Well, the moment presented itself to Noora several times on a recent trip down South.

Noora had been flirting with a Floridian for a while before she reached the Sunshine State and on her last night in town, they decided on an impromptu drive to Daytona Beach. After much laughing, chatting and star gazing – the heavens started smiling down on them.

Still coasting on her vacation high, Noora decided to shed her doubts (and her clothes) about one-night stands. That night, the Hilton at Daytona experienced it’s very own version of NASCAR when this accomplished American actively helped Noora cross the finish line – no less than SEVEN times.

Back in Dubai the next day, she was still reeling from experiencing the seven heavens when Layala quickly brought her down to earth by adamantly proclaiming that Noora did in fact NOT have a one-night stand, but gained a friend with benefits instead.

Noora will probably never speak to, see or sleep with this guy again and after arguing endlessly between ourselves, we’d like you to weigh in on the debate:

In a city like Dubai where there are no dating rules, what exactly qualifies as a one-night stand vs. booty call vs. friends with benefits? And is it possible for one category to successfully cross over into another?

Adulterers Anonymous

2007-01-07T09:55:00.000+04:00

Saeed appeared promising: he was funny, educated, charming, suave AND he had the guts to come up and talk to Layala at Cosmo Café. A local man with balls – finally! For a month he wined and dined her, lavished her with affection and attention and made her laugh till she cried. He had a steady job, a car without tinted windows AND he wore his seat belt! Layala, who is normally hesitant about getting attached, found herself really liking this guy - at the very least he was “boyfriend material.”

While shopping for lacy lingerie to celebrate her precious new find, Layala’s cell phone rang:

Saeed: Allo habibti, where are you?
Layala (coyly): I’m shopping…at Nayomi…
Saeed: aahhhh…what are you buying?
Layala: You’ll see… just be patient.
Saeed (laughing): You know I have been very patient till now, can I see you tonight?
Layala: Oh tonight’s no good, I’m going to Japengo with Noora and her sister.
Saeed: Ah walla? I also go out with my sister sometimes. If you see me on the road with some lady in my car, don’t be mad at me. I have many sisters okay baby?

Huh?

Trying not to be paranoid and uproot her bed of roses, Layala continued shopping. Later that evening she recounted the conversation to Noora who was quick to plant the first seeds of doubt in Layala’s mind. Disturbed by this possibility, she decided to ask him outright.

Layala: Saeed, can I ask you something serious?
Saeed: Shu habibti?
Layala: Are you married?
Saeed (laughing nervously): Of course! I have five wives and ten children.
Layala (agitated): No, for real Saeed. Are you married?
Saeed (after a long serious pause): Yes I am married. Two years now. I didn’t tell you earlier, because it wasn’t the right time. I am not in love with my wife, you know how it is – you get married because of your family. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’ll wait for your call when you calm down but hurry habibti, I’ll miss you.

The only thing Layala was sorry about is that after finding a ballsy Emirati, it appeared his balls really belonged to someone else. They say never trust a man who kisses with his eyes open, in Dubai, it also means you should never trust a man whose windows aren’t tinted.

Happy Hunting

2007-01-01T13:57:00.000+04:00

An advantage of dating a variety of different men is that it allows us to set our standards and to understand what it is we're looking for in terms of men, relationships and overall satisfaction. For the more confused amongst us, it's definitely a sure fire way of knowing what you don't want in a man.

When Noora started dating a chain smoker, making out felt like she was constantly licking an ashtray. On a date with another local, as he took his wallet out to pay for coffee, she noticed he was carrying a gorgeous quilted piece from Chanel's new winter collection. While we appreciate men's interest in fashion, we draw the line at sharing accessories - and the last time we checked, Coco Chanel doesn't dress boys.

Because Dubai's men are more signifcant in terms of quantity than quality, there is no doubt that on your quest for what suits you, you will rack up a few numbers on the dating scale. This brings us to the age old question of why society deems it okay for men to date and be studs but when women date, they are sluts?

Well, studs, sluts, players and prostitutes aside: sometimes knowing what you want can save you a lot of trouble. So through our dating dilemmas and a trial and error process, we've learned the awful truth:

It isn't about the showering shortys, faulty lamps or mutant bikers - the fact is you have to pick through a lot of trash to find that one treasure.

The Joys of Giving

2006-12-25T23:07:00.000+04:00

The festivities of Christmas, Eid and New Year’s are upon us, and combined with the hype and fanfare of the Dubai Shopping Festival – the city is rocking like never before. Tourists and residents alike are ALL looking to have a good time in Dubai because in this city, being a bad boy or girl all year around will be rewarded.

While we are all ready to get our groove on and begin merry making, let’s not forget what this season is really about…the precious joys of giving… and receiving. It’s no secret that there’s stupefying amounts of wealth in Dubai and our boys aren’t inconspicuous about it, nor do they mind spending it on causes they believe will benefit them…the leading cause being: sex.

Take the guy who caught Noora’s attention while she was driving on the service road along Sheikh Zayed Road. This Emirati followed her all the way around the back and when stopped at a light he asked if she could pull over and talk to him. Noora refused and he continued to follow her – getting annoyed with his persistence, at the next set of lights she asked him what he wanted. He promptly jumped out of his car, got into hers and produced a black box filled with gold jewelry: six pairs of earrings, a necklace and three pendants to be exact. Noora protested vehemently but he raised his own bid by announcing his connections with Paris Gallery and told her she could get anything for free…! He then left his business card and the jewelry box on the dashboard, dashed into his car and drove off into the night.

Then there’s the guy who flagged Layala down on the road and asked her if she wanted to swap cars? and he wasn’t driving a beat up Echo…his beauty was a Lamborghini Diablo. Unable to resist the temptation, Layala pulled over and this Emirati got out of his car and happily put the keys in her hand…that’s when Layala understood just how inanimate objects can induce orgasms.

We both believe that it is far better to give than to receive and considering that the majority of our boys are generously endowed, we wonder:

Is giving gifts an alternative to paying for sex? and if so, why are Dubai's men so eager to pay for this pleasure?

Power Perks

2006-12-20T10:58:00.000+04:00

We can all safely agree that Dubai is notorious for its terrible and wreckless driving. While we applaud the efforts of Dubai Police on raising the ante and cracking down on bad drivers, what they REALLY need to crackdown on is policemen who abuse their authority to stop and chat up women.

Both of us have been "randomly" stopped and flirted with on no less than 9 separate occasions in the last 6 months. We've chosen 3 of the most entertaining and infuriating to share with you.

Umm Hurair Road, Bur Dubai.

Noora makes a relatively sharp turn onto a service road and notices a cop car infront. He flashes his lights, she rolls down her window and apologizes. His buddy, who is further up the road dealing with an accident, sees this and tells her to pull over. She has three cars behind her now honking and she attempts to pull over to the side. The cop YELLS at her to STOP moving and show him her license. Flustered (because she has never been yelled at by a cop before) - she shows it to him. He looks at it...looks at her...and says in Arabic: "Oh you are *insert nationality here* , very beautiful. No problem - hahahahahaha carry on."

Bastardo.

Al Sufouh Road, Jumeirah.

Layala is standing, waiting by the side of the road for Noora to pick her up. The police pass by once and look at her. They take a round and pass by a second time and look at her. They take another round and pass by a third time and look at her. Finally, they pull over.

Dirty Old Cop: Salaam Alaikum. Is everything alright? Why is a precious girl standing on the road?
Layala: I am waiting for my friend to come and pick me up.
Dirty Young Cop: Your friend? Where is he from? Why he keep you waiting?This not good.
Layala: No it's a girl, she is coming just now.
Dirty Old Cop: She take long time still. Come with us, we take you Burj Al Arab. She meet you there.
Dirty Young Cop (with a big grin): Yes, give me her number. I will phone her and tell her to meet us there. Where she from?

Thankfully at that moment, Noora pulled up behind the cops and Layala hurriedly jumped into her car fearing she would be :

Kidnapped by Horny Kops

Dubai Marine Club, Jumeirah Beach Road.

On our way out of this happening joint, the guys in green struck again. There were 4 of us in the car, Layala, Noora, Ayame and Shorty. We were pulled over for absolutely NO reason and this shurta requested our license and registration. Instead of checking the validity of these documents, he proceeded to check us out. We were all interrogated while traffic was building patiently behind us. He finally let us go with this parting comment in English: "Okay, you girls - all very well built, mashallah"

The car's registration had been expired for over a month.

Moral of the Story: As a woman you can get away with murder in Dubai. What you cannot get away from is the amorous advances of our passionate policemen.

Mercato the Meat Market

2006-12-16T20:45:00.000+04:00

Dubai surpasses all other Gulf States in everything: phallic real estate, tourism and prostitution. What we are also numero uno in is the art of tech dating i.e. the Bluetooth phenomenon.

Here is our real time account of an innocent coffee with friends this Wednesday night at Starbucks in Mercato.

8.45 PM: Noora and Layala arrive with friends. Coffees are bought and conversation begins.

8.57 PM: Noora receives the first message – Lord of Love is sending her some data. Should she accept?? The issue is discussed round the table. Finally, in the name of research, she accepts and receives…

8.58 PM:The most clichéd of all pictures – a red rose with his phone number in the foreground. This was a pre-existing template and impressed no one.

9.05 PM: Layala receives the same message but promptly ignores it. Lord of Love had become Lord of Losers.

9.07 – 9.35 PM: More data requests come through and all of us have a good laugh at the inane names that people choose for themselves:

DJ DINAMIC – how about spelling classes?
LORD OF LOVE - aka Lord of Losers
LOUIS VUITTON – because we really need more handbags
MOCHA – clearly inspired by Starbucks
ALI666 – advertising the beast within?
CALL ME 0505XXXXXX – Yeah right!!!
HABIBI – Ours and everyone elses...
UR BEATIFUL – yes we know. Tell us something new. Seer zig.
INFINITY – the car? or the amount of time he wants to spend with us?
BMW535i –atleast he tells you in advance what he’ll be screwing you in!

9.40 PM: We were drowning in cliché’s, so we decided to turn off our blue tooth, enjoy our latte’s and gossip in peace.

Note to all men: C’mon guys up the game a bit. Dubai retails anything and everything - surely originality can be bought if it doesn't come naturally?

Back with(out) a Bang!

2006-12-12T21:00:00.000+04:00

We are happy to report that we are back in Dubai, refreshed, rejuvenated and mentally prepared for the losers out there.

What we are unhappy to report is that being a loser is not a disease exclusive to Dubai. Apparently even the sunny shores of California are awash with this infectious malady.

Noora had been chatting with a Californian for about a year. Photos had been exchanged and judging by the fitness craze sweeping through San Francisco, a healthy and organic experience was on the cards...

Despite San Francisco being a “green” city – the grass was definitely not greener on the other side. Mr. Fitness Freak had misrepresented himself completely and turned out to be Mr. Couch Potato. Hard pecks had morphed into man boobs. The expected healthy and organic meal had become a grease-fest. Suddenly a low cholesterol diet was extremely tempting.

Moral of the Story: Photos can be deceptive. As in all online transactions when concluding a deal, caveat emptor (let the buyer beware).

Up Up and Away

2006-12-07T12:21:00.000+04:00

Dear All,

Just a short note informing you that we are travelling.

All will be revealed next week...................................

Spit and Polish

2006-11-29T22:05:00.000+04:00

What is it with you guys?

Irritant No.1: Why does every sexual encounter have to include a bit of saliva hastily slapped on the tips of your fingers? Spitting is bad manners. Didn't your parents teach you that?!!!!

Just for the record - saliva is NOT lubricant. And applying it to our nether regions is not going to help your cause in anyway. Infact it accelerates the evaporation of any moisture that might happen to be there to begin with.

How would you react if your woman spat into her palms, rubbed them and proceeded to give you a hand job - thinking this would make things go smoother. Doesn't work does it?

Lubricant is the way to go...or to cum, whichever you prefer.

Irritant No.2: Smacking your dingdong around just before the main event always makes us cringe. We pay you enough attention in bed so you don't need to pay attention to yourself. Holding Mr. Happy and stroking him is just plain bad form - avoid this at all times.

This is a Public Service Broadcast to make fellow bangers aware of actions may detract from the overall excitement of the act.

Au Naturel

2006-11-26T11:13:00.000+04:00

Every guy we know, have talked to or gone out with has always told us the same thing: they prefer women the way God made them - i.e. with little or no makeup.

Sorry to burst your bubble guys. The natural look usually requires far more makeup than any other look. Let us take you through the routine to perfectly "natural" skin:

Cleanse
Tone
Moisturise
Prime
Apply concealer
Apply Foundation
Apply Pressed Powder
Apply Blush

And that's ONLY the first phase. Then you have eyeliner, mascara and lipgloss.

Voila! Your natural look is complete.

So next time a woman says shes not wearing any make up, just lick her face and see what comes off on your tongue.

When it comes to women and beauty - even God needs a helping hand.

Note to all men reading this blog: Your partners' "morning after" look does NOT count as this is due to the large amount of endorphins coursing through her body. Hence the radiant GLOW.

Upsizing Things

2006-11-23T08:03:00.000+04:00

Monsieur Paris is a smart and successful entrepreneur who recently moved to Dubai for business and of course pleasure (he is French after all). A long time friend of Noora's, Monsieur Paris was introduced to Layala and sparks flew. Things progressed positively and he was as silver tongued as expected. Over the course of a few weeks, his French finesse left Layala panting for more.

Unable to resist temptation any longer, Layala decided to take things into her own hands. Unfortunately there wasn't much to be held – it seemed Monsieur Paris had forgotten his bags in Paris.

Which brings us to the question: Does size really matter?

Biologically it is proven that size does not matter and only the first two inches of the vagina are filled with nerves. So technically all you really need is two inches to get the job done.

Pyschologically is where the problem lies. Seriously guys, it is a turn off to see a small weiner when you're expecting a full frankfurter. Even McDonald's offers an upsize!

An advantage of a "value meal" is that you can stuff it ALL (and we mean ALL) in your mouth at the same time - let no one accuse us of being sizist.

On the other hand, it's not the size but the technique that matters the most. It's pointless having a big gun if you don't know where to point it.

Though if you do know where to point it then G marks the spot. Again and again and again...

To Blow or Not to Blow?

2006-11-19T21:09:00.000+04:00

That is the question. While we share similar views about life in general, one thing we can’t seem to agree on is the titillating topic of oral pleasure.

Layala is of the opinion that blow jobs are another facet of foreplay - therefore they don’t count as sex at all. She thinks it is sex only when penetration occurs.

Noora on the other hand believes that oral sex is sex. Plain and simple. When you allow your partner to lick your genitals, making out stops and sex begins -this is irrespective of parts being inserted or not.

To further whet the appetite, we think oral pleasures sound like they belong on the menu of a chic Italian restaurant.

“A Fettucini Fellatio, and Calzone Cunnilingus. No onions, extra sauce – double helpings please.”

Since this is a topic near and dear to our hearts and assorted parts, we’d like to get your tongues wagging and look forward to reading your thoughts on this saliva inducing topic.

One thing is for certain - we both agree that “going down” is one of life’s greatest trips.

Pigs on Bikes

2006-11-16T10:06:00.000+04:00

Aside from safety issues, ever wondered why bikers are so happy with their helmets on? Well, we discovered the reason and it shattered our romantic illusions about these men and their machines.

Being creatures of the night, we were on our way to the trendy cafe Shu, when we came across what we thought were yummy bikers (and we don’t mean delivery boys or assorted bikers crisscrossing through traffic). Once biker boys realized there were ladies eyeing them, they decided to entertain us.

A series of wheelies, bike ballet and other performances followed on Jumeirah Beach Road. Their theatrics delighted the entire street and we decided to reward them for their efforts. At a red light, Noora, who was feeling slightly naughty, rolled down the window and said to one of them:

“Hey, can you pull moves like that in bed?”

Biker Boy looked surprised and replied smugly, “even better!”

At which point, we were surprised that there were actually witty men in Dubai! This Emirati definitely scored brownie points and got Layala’s phone number. After two days of really good phone conversations, Biker Boy was deemed suitable enough to meet, and a movie date was scheduled.

SHOCK. HORROR AND DISMAY!

Layala’s fond fantasies were ground into the dust when she was confronted with a guy who looked like a badly stuffed sausage. Apparently, he was a fan of power lifting which had resulted in him looking like something out of a bad steroid commercial.

It was a classic case of “What you see is NOT what you get” Imagine a guy who is 5’2” with no neck, biceps the size of watermelons and thighs double that. At the movies, he couldn’t even reach to rest his legs on the seat in front of him! Not a pretty picture.

Her movie date had turned into a meeting with a mutant.

Moral of the story: Expensive bikes (sport bikes, Harleys, Ducattis etc.) have the uncanny ability to make models out of mutants. They are also great in hiding the real dimensions of a man – length and width.

* For our readers that might have missed our title reference, Pigs in Blankets are little squares of pastry wrapped around mini sausages. We recommend them highly instead of Pigs on Bikes.

Pushing the Right Buttons...

2006-11-13T09:45:00.000+04:00

Every single guy Noora has dated has initiated phone sex with her. Without giving you all the sticky details, we’ve picked the best dialogue to share with you.

Late one night, while talking with her American man of the moment, Noora was distracted by her new cell phone - when her guy started talking dirty. This did not interest Noora in the least and she continued to explore the options of her nifty phone. She was about to cut him off when she found the “record option” and decided her girlfriends would appreciate this conversation more than she did.

Ten minutes of hot and erotic chat later- the moaning stopped. Noora heard a THUMP. Unsure of what the sound was, she pressed the earphones closer into her ears. There it was again...

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

Thinking her man had fallen off the bed repeatedly, she was genuinely concerned and asked:

“Hey honey, what’s going on? You alright?”
“Oooohhhhh did you hear that baby? Did you hear it? Wanna hear it again?”
“What? What was that?”
“That was ME baby…see how hard I am for you?... THUMP”

Turns out lover boy was whacking his pride and joy on the keypad.

How messed up is that? This recording has provided and continues to provide hours of fun and laughter for Noora’s friends.

Note to all men reading this blog: Banging your hotrod on the phone is SO NOT HOT.

Bloggerlicious!

2006-11-11T11:54:00.000+04:00

Since creating this blog we have been inundated with interesting emails from our readers. We have received everything from asking for booty calls to requests for personal advice.

Here is a snippet from our fan mail pick of the week:

“...all what i can say i'm very nice/worm person and interested in sharing and possibilty spend time /share passion together."

That was a Freudian slip if ever there was one! If he has a worm (personality or otherwise) we definitely don’t want to get to know it!

On a separate note, this past weekend was rather eventful as both Layala and Noora met with fellow bloggers Haroun El Poussah and Sleepless in Muscat respectively.

We are happy to report that there is intelligent life out there. It was a definite refreshing change from the usual dimwits that we encounter in Dubai.

Sleepless in Muscat who was incidentally also awake in Dubai, provided a pleasant distraction over drinks at Al Qasr. If he is some indication of the goods that are available in Muscat, a shopping trip to Oman is in order.

Layala gives Haroun full marks for: Choice of venue, Manners and Politeness and Interesting Conversation. By the way, globalization is the new colonization. The evening left Layala’s jaws aching… from laughter.

Obviously blogging is good for overall male development! Testosterone should blog more.

The Showers of Shame

2006-11-07T15:39:00.000+04:00

Contrary to Noora’s penchant for dating freaks, she made a break from routine to date a local guy who on the surface seemed relatively normal. Hallelujah she thought. The curse has been lifted! This guy had it all: a good education, a solid business and an open mind.

Some weeks, swooning dates and several phone calls later, the Shangri-La was the scene of some serious……showering!!!

Five showers in two hours. That must be some sort of record.

Guys: help us out here – we understand the need for some washing and cleaning after the deed (which is always much appreciated.) But a full shower?Scrubbing and shampooing every single time!? Isn’t that taking cleanliness to new heights of freakiness?

Or were these the showers of shame? Intended to scrub and sanitize all sexually deviant sins?

We’ll leave this forum open and hand over the bar of soap to you…

Aladdin and His Not So Magical Lamp

2006-11-04T18:41:00.000+04:00

Aladdin seemed to have it going for him. He’s 32, Libyan and good looking. He’s in Dubai temporarily and seems to have a promising career. He has manners that all men use on their first dates to impress a woman, i.e. paying for the meal, opening and closing car doors, pulling out the chair at the restaurant. He could even hold interesting conversations and he was polite.

Surprisingly enough, several dates later his manners still hadn’t deserted him and Layala was genuinely beginning to enjoy his company. Of course one thing started leading to another and the possibility of sex was looming on the horizon.

When they finally got between the satin sheets, after nearly two hours of passionate foreplay Layala decided to do more than just rub his magic lamp. To her great surprise her Libyan lover’s lamp seemed to have a broken fuse, and refused to rise to the occasion.

A challenge! Something all women enjoy just as much as men. After Layala’s jaw locked more than three times, Aladdin’s lamp was definitely beaming proudly and smiling bright. The genies just could not wait to be released!

Some more rustling and maneuvering of body parts ensued and Layala had thought the moment of truth had finally arrived.

Well the truth arrived and left – and made absolutely no impression at all.

“You’re too tight” he whined, “I can’t get it in.”
“I know, it’s because it’s been a while – just go ahead it’s okay, it feels good!”
“I can’t you are just too tight, sorry!”

The fact of the matter is, even if Layala was as wide as the grand canyon, there was still nothing that Aladdin’s lamp would have achieved in it’s limp state. It seemed his genies were happy to rot in their lamp.

He then proceeded to go down and visit Lady V and show her a good time. After which, they rolled away from each other and to avoid any awkward silence, they made small talk. During this attempted post-coital chat the truth did emerge…

Aladdin had visited Cyclone the previous night.

Moral of the story: Manners are important. Even if you can’t finish your own meal, it’s a good habit to help others finish theirs.

Note to all women reading this blog: There’s NO such thing as being too tight. Men will do your ears if they could, because tighter is always better. Ask any plastic surgeon.

Making the Most of Our Assets…

2006-10-31T11:05:00.000+04:00

There’s two types of women in bed: Those who actively try and seduce their men with sexy lingerie and those who recognize that lingerie is an absolute waste of time and money (but still buy it anyway).

To the men we’ve encountered, lingerie is just a flimsy obstacle they need to overcome as soon as possible to get to the good stuff. Both of us have experienced the antics of Dubai’s lusty males also known as "Jassim the Ripper" Layala nearly had her favorite Nayomi bra ripped off because of her man’s impatience. Noora was ordered to “take that damn thing off” as he couldn’t get it off himself!

Seriously guys, we make the effort to put on sexy, lacy underwear for you – appreciate it and take the time to take it off properly instead of pulling it down, yanking it off and ripping it! You might think that is a female fantasy and a show of your overriding strength and masculinity – believe us:it’s not

While we are busy bashing men for their callousness, it is our duty to also put you guys in the picture too:

Women recycle their lingerie.

What we wear for you – we have likely worn before and we will also wear for the next lucky man. So have the courtesy not to rip it as underwear is expensive and we consider it to be a worthy investment for carnal returns!

Facial Follicles and Dubai’s Metrosexuals

2006-10-29T09:44:00.000+04:00

What is the primary identifying characteristic of a mammal?

Hair.

Mammals have hair. Male mammals have hair. Female mammals have mammary glands and hair. Nonetheless hair is still the common denominator. This hair includes body hair and the dreaded and much ignored…facial hair.

Let’s be honest ladies, we’ve all been through those rough times when our eyebrows get crazy and burly because we’re growing them to perfect that sexy arch. In the process, we’ve all let a whisker or two sprout up on our upper lip and if we’ve been extra lazy it’s grown into a full mustache. The fact is, milk mustaches are in - got milk?. Not hairy mustaches. Not for women – and heaven forbid you have a female mustache (also known as a fustache) in a highly looks oriented Dubai!

Why is it that we have to pluck and tweeze and wax to be more feminine and appealing to men? When was the last time a man asked you if you liked him hairy or clean shaven? And we’re only talking facial hair here…pubic hair is a whole separate post!

And do you guys honestly think that we are naturally smooth and hairless? Do you THINK for one second that the odd Iranian or Indian girl with the fustache and uni-brow is a one of a kind abomination to women? Well, ALL women go through that phase at one point or the other. We just don’t talk to you about it – but we cry if you mention it to us. So DON’T ever do that because we don’t complain about your facial hair even though we have good reasons to!

As women, we tolerate and even like men’s facial hair because it’s a sign of oozing testosterone and machismo. But here’s the naked truth: guys, your facial hair albeit sexy, is a major cause of FRICTION BURN for us women. Our faces and points southwards tend to turn a bright red and start itching and flaking thanks to your facial hair! So we demand that your facial hair be smooth too.

We demand that men stop scarring women with their coarse beards and get themselves smoothened out. Deep cleansing facials and creams or epilators, whatever it takes- just stop the roughness.

Guys: Don’t believe us? Try this. Put the back of your hand to your cheek and rub – now do it vigorously about 150 times, see the effect it has on your hands and you’ll understand the point we’re trying to make. And that’s only your hand – fortunately (or not) for us, friction burns don’t get restricted to our faces alone.

We think it’s high time and only fair that the metrosexual revolution is accelerated in Dubai. There’s already a handful of quality salons to provide guys with just that right touch. Try 1847 the gentlemen’s salon or we’re sure your neighborhood friendly Filipino barber will have just the right touch for your face.

After all – we like a smooth face as much as you like a smooth body…the only difference is, we accept the hair on yours.

Going Commando…?

2006-10-25T09:35:00.000+04:00

Dubai is has its own version of the question: What do Scottish men wear under their kilts?
Here, the question is: What do local men wear under their kandooras?

This is a question we have asked ourselves often. In the same way that guys get together in groups and guess whether women are wearing thongs or granny undies, women get together and discuss the same…boxers, briefs or commando?

Thanks to the rising popularity of baggy jeans, our guesswork becomes a lot easier. A trip to the food court at Mall of the Emirates will reveal ALL. From polka dots to The Simpsons, it’s all on display at MOE. But the real mystery in Dubai is – just what do the locals wear under their kandooras?

From the nationals we’ve dated, we have seen the following:

a) Extremely long knee length tight fitting underwear. Eeww. We thought only women needed thigh controllers.
b) White longs. Is this the Arabic version of the Indian Shalwar Kurta?
c) Wizaars. These white loin cloths also double as handkerchiefs and towels.

Again, thanks to Dubai’s gleaming sunshine, sometimes a kandoora will reveal MORE than you want to see, as Layala found to her great dismay. At Mercato she was exposed to one man’s crown jewels, dangling freely underneath his kandoora as he walked on - oblivious to the terror and trauma he was causing.

Note to all locals: Thin white kandoora material and bright sunshine are not a good combination. Please protect your modesty.

Your women cover up and so should you.

Tell Tale Signs of the Habitual Backseat Banger

2006-10-22T10:23:00.000+04:00

With the festive season of Eid and Diwali underway here, celebrations are rocking the city...and soon tinted cars will be rocking too, swaying to the rhythm of the mood.

While on the topic of tinted cars, it would be blasphemous to our blog if we didn't refer to the distinguished Dubai male species. Tinted cars are the perfect place for the legendary back seat screw. We all know what goes on in deserted parking lots and beaches, in SUVs that are parked mysteriously still with engines running – so there's no need to state the obvious.

While we recognize the obstacles that willing sexual partners face when wanting to do the deed, we also don't approve of constant backseat banging. There are plenty of hotels available in and around Dubai - it's nice to feel soft sheets or a pillow under your bum instead of the hand brake or gear stick jabbing into you!

Because we think it's high time Dubai's lovely ladies put a stop to this second class treatment, we're going a step further to help you point out if your fine Dubai specimen is a habitual back seat banger!

WARNING SIGNS THAT YOUR MAN IS A HABITUAL BACK SEAT BANGER:

1. Damp and musky air. Sniff! Sniff! Sniff! If the sudden sickly stench of sweat and semen make your nostrils flare, you know that your man has being doing the deed in his backseat. This is a particular favourite with national men and women. It seems as though doing it in the backseat seems to be as much of a fetish as doing it in the back? We assume it must be something about derrieres...

2. Locate the tissue box. If it's crumpled and squashed and looks as if it's been rolled over and shoved in the back somewhere – it's a no brainer!

3. Rifle through the glove box, the arm rest box and the seat divider compartment in the back. These are obvious yet favourite places for storing condoms and other sexual paraphernalia.

4. Miscellaneous pieces of jewellery on the car floor. Bits and bobs from an earring screw, a shiny displaced stone or a hair clip – these are NOT his mother's or sisters' misplaced accessories. Jewelry ends up on the floor when making out and romping in dark, confined spaces!!!

5. Less than 5 minutes into making out, he gets on top of you on the passenger side and pulls the seat lever - immediately sending both of you halfway into the backseat. Please don't believe it's for your comfort – this is the force of habit talking.

6. Suspicious hand and foot prints on either windscreens and windows of the car. If you have a footprint on the internal side of the car glass- it is because the glass just provides support for ongoing activities.

7. He knows all the deserted parking lots, isolated stretches of desert land and untamed beaches in and around Dubai. Then he claims he knows them because he likes "camping" with friends.

So there you have it ladies - you have been warned!

In this fine city cars work as mobile sex pads serving the carnal desires of all the city's residents. Just remember to inhale deeply and sniff next time you get into one!

Peering through the dark...

2006-10-20T12:00:00.000+04:00

Seeing as our last post nearly incited a war of the sexes, we decided to give it a rest for a bit and go off on a separate tangent from this blog, but not stray too far. So we've got a few words to say about the "tinted windows" phenomenon that seems to be overshadowing all of Dubai's cars. We've come to the conclusion that absolutely EVERYTHING humanely possible goes on behind these dark windows of moving and parked vehicles throughout the city.

Apart from the usual social settings i.e. cafe's and malls etc, the streets of Dubai provide ample opportunity to meet the other sex. Driving down the streets at night, you notice several men and women giving each other "the look" through darkened windows. There's a big problem with this.

Past experience has proved that people always look mysteriously dark and handsome through tinted windows – the dark makes EVERYONE look better than normal (that's why women like doing it with the lights off)… until the guys roll down their windows and you realise you've just snared an ogre.

Fortunately (or not) tinted windows are no match for Dubai's gleaming sunshine. During the day, everyone gets a chance to peek through what is impossible to see at night (unless the vehicle has super illegal reflective tints). Comfortable behind their screens and oblivious to our peeping tom antics, we've caught an array of Dubai's drivers doing the following:

- Eating sheepishly (this is our Ramadhan favourite…we can see you stupid!)

- Fingering their noses frantically and forcefully because getting that embedded booger out is their last mission on earth.

- Fingering…followed by eating!

- Smiling audaciously into the rear view mirror followed by a nail scraping of plaque from teeth.

- Combing and plucking of hair from various places.

Tinted windows or not, the streets of Dubai provide endless hours of amusement. Whether you are dodging cars or stuck in a jam – beware the tinted windows!

Excuses...Excuses

2006-10-19T09:45:00.000+04:00

Excuses have been perfected in Dubai. As part of the female psyche we prefer to give men the benefit of the doubt and come up with excuses for their retarded behavior. We do this partly to cushion the blows to our own fragile egos and partly because we are at a loss for explanations otherwise.

Women should stop this bullshit because no matter what kind of explanation we give ourselves, guys will ALWAYS come up with a better out of this world excuse.

Take the loser who stood Layala up 10 minutes before they were about to meet, on the pretext that his Kompressor had been involved in an accident and he couldn’t leave his beloved car on the side of the road. Of course we later found that the loser graces the roads of Dubai in a beat up Camry and the Kompressor was really a mirage in the desert that is his mind.

Here’s another favorite – Layala went on a date with an older Italian gentlemen. The omens were not auspicious as they both got food poisoning on their first date!! (beware the salmon at PAUL in Mercato) Ignoring the ill fated stars, they agreed to a second date and she went to dinner at the Italians fantastic Jumeirah villa. In true Italian fashion, all went well and he cooked a sumptuous meal that charmed the socks (not the panties) off her.

Then………………… what?

THEN NOTHING.

A week went by and the promised invitation for another outing didn’t come through. What’s a semi interested woman to do? Well, like any other woman in the same boat, she called him…after all, he was Italian!

Bad idea. He didn’t answer

3 weeks and some bad food poisoning later, the Italian was more or less forgotten until…

BEEP BEEP a text message!

**I had a very bad tooth infection**

Yes. Sure he did. His fingers must have been infected or broken as well since he didn’t bother texting her for 3 weeks. Her ideal response: ignore and delete the message. Bravo.

You see guys and girls, this isn't about why the Italian didn't like Layala enough to call her back. So what people don't click ALL the time - its just human nature. The point is, why not be upfront about it? Or ... why even bother texting her at all? It's not like she went pyscho on him and harrassed him...so why bother with the lame excuse?

Moral of the Story: Men in Dubai think that women in Dubai are a few cards short of the full deck when it comes to intelligence.

Note to all men reading this blog: PLEASE don’t insult our intelligence. Lame excuses are just that: LAME. They reflect extremely badly on your status as players. Think of some good excuses and if this fails, just tell the truth – it works sometimes.

Note to all women reading this blog: STOP making excuses for your potential man. He will always come up with something outrageous. You have two choices, stay pathetic and believe him or leave him alone with his hand. Ladies, let’s have some comments on what other excuses you think have been perfected by men in dodgy Dubai.

Official Dating Disclaimer

2006-10-19T09:37:00.000+04:00

Layala and Noora, official authors of the blog Sex and Dubai are equal opportunity daters. We do not discriminate against men based on age, race, religion, or size.

Our only limitations lie against married men, construction workers and in sexual orientation, as we are both strictly heterosexual.

2006-10-11T19:23:00.000+04:00

Intro to the blog: Sex and Dubai

Dubai – City of Flash and Flesh, where substance is always out of style.

But we’re not here to bash the city we love and live in, we’re just two average Janes willing to share our experiences and exploits in this scintillatingly sinful city. An international buffet of men for every hungry and starving woman – pick the taste you’re after and Dubai will serve it up. Five star service – not guaranteed.

So whether it’s the balmy Brits, the lusty Lebanese or the enterprising Emiratis, we confirm (through interesting encounters) what all women fear to be true.

Prince Charming went out of fashion with fairytales that end happily ever after.

In Dubai – unlike the numerous massage parlors peppered around the city, in real life there ARE no happy endings.

2006-10-07T13:29:00.000+04:00

One fateful night...

On a rather routinely boring night after an invigorating work out, we were on a mission to fulfill our craving for cheese manakish. Geographically, the closest to us was Al Mallah, the wonderful fluorescently illuminated café on the infamous Dhiyafah Road. On the way to, and after getting the Arabic equivalent of a cheese sandwich, we caught the attention of an estimated 50 various men and boys in an assorted range of cars.

We weren’t even wearing our gym shorts.

Of course we aren’t complacent enough to think that it’s just us – if you’re a woman in Dubai you have been put through the same process of being objectified and viewed like a plate of meaty shawarma, with men more than eager to provide the tahina (white sauce).

So we decided to test the waters a bit, to see what the Dubai dating scene had to offer – after all we had both come out of long term relationships and had finally gotten back on our feet after dealing with their painful endings. We weren’t on a rebound romp, bargaining for a boyfriend or on a husband hunt – we just wanted to have fun, date a few men and scope out the scene.

And that’s when it all started.

Don’t get us wrong – we don’t have a one-track mind akin to the stars of Sex and the City. Our lives do not revolve around finding “the one” - be it a man or an orgasm. We’re quite content and satisfied with ourselves and marriage is not on the table in the near future. As citizens of the globe with varied international exposure, we believe we have our heads screwed on right enough to take on whatever Dubai has to offer…which didn’t turn out to be too much anyway.

We’re sharing our experiences with you to shed some light on the dating scene here. In a melting pot as Dubai, dating is tricky. Unlike the bigger cities of Paris, London and New York, there is no dating protocol in place. There are no 2 day rules, and not a lot of people even know what first, second and third base is. And let’s not even discuss dumping and dissing. The blend of sexual magnetism, disgusting amounts of wealth covered loosely with the morals and practices of the Islamic religion make for one screwed up dating environment.

The stories you are about to read in our coming posts are all the truth and nothing but the truth, so help us God. With the exception of name changes, all accounts are accurate depictions and real versions of our experiences dating different men in Dubai. If you do recognize any of these men or are one of them– don’t bother telling us, we’re not interested!

Just enjoy the stories and next time you find a single woman in Dubai, be understanding but don’t be too sympathetic – there is nothing worse than those pity filled eyes that couples cast upon us singletons.

Blech – you were single once too!

2006-10-07T13:12:00.000+04:00

Dubai – a single woman’s paradise? ... not

Official statistics say that the percentage of men to women in Dubai is 3:1.
Yup, that’s three guys for every woman in Dubai. With stats like that you would expect Dubai’s single women to be jumping for joy, basking in the attention of all the men that are available. Not so for us because out of every three guys in Dubai, our own experiences have noted the following:

Guy No. 1: An Indian laborer, forced into bisexualism due to lack of conjugal contact. This type of guy does not discriminate against women and usually stares ALL women down with longing eyes followed by a tugging of his balls or in extreme cases a public wanking.

Guy No. 2: Is a married UAE national, stuck in a marriage he doesn’t care about. He prefers to roam the streets aimlessly with friends and pick up other women. Alternatively, he goes to coffee shops for idle chitter chatter and sheesha or to the movies with his equally married and free male friends. This man has no qualms about lying and will even call you from his bedroom in the middle of the night.

Guy No. 3: The unassimilated expatriate. These are the new influx of men in Dubai who have been seduced by the city’s charms but haven’t gone to bed with it just yet. These men gawk and stare openly at women but are too chicken to do anything about it, for fear of being arrested and castrated.

Occasionally, you will come across the Arab expatriates. These creatures purport to be open minded, however this just a ruse to get you to sleep with them. Once this is a fait accompli, they just move on to the next "open minded" and open legged woman they can get their hands on. Although beautiful and charming, these guys should be avoided like the plague. Unless you just want a booty call from time to time. Caution: even if you are upfront about this fact, they will tell you that they love you and you are the only woman for them. Don't believe this bullshit.

So there you have it folks. This is the general crap that single women in Dubai have to put up with. Oh by the way the concept of the dynamic young urban professional does not exist for women – if you aren’t Emirates Cabin Crew then you must make your living by being a whore.

After all, what’s the difference between the two anyway?